Engineers

[BGregory]

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[Tom]

I don't see why this is funny. The first engineering student made the right choice. Her clothes would never had fit. And the bicycle is much more practical.

[TriumphGT6]

That reminds me of the time an engineer overheard an artist and a writer arguing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. "A wife is best," suggested the writer, because "when you finish a long day at the typewriter, It's good to have someone with dinner ready." Amused at his companion's domesticity, the artist countered that a mistress was better, "because she stimulates the mind as well as the body."

Unable to contain himself, the engineer butted in. "Really, it's best to have both. When you're not with her, each will assume you're with the other one," he explained. "And that way you can go to the lab and get some work done."

[NC Shooter]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[BGregory]

Three engineers are trying to decide which specialty would be the be the best to design a human being.

The first says, "It would have to be a mechanical engineer. Think of all the bones and joints that would have to be designed."

The second say, "No. An electrical engineer would be needed. Only one of those would be able to design the brain and nervous system."

The third says, "You're both wrong. It would take a civil engineer, because they are the only ones stupid enough to run a waste pipe through a recreational area."

[Tom]

"It would take a civil engineer, because they are the only ones stupid enough to run a waste pipe through a recreational area.

LOL Now THAT is a good one.

[BGregory]

LOL Now THAT is a good one.de nada. I'll try my best to keep you entertained...

[gottripletsNC]

LOL Now THAT is a good one.

Its so darn true that it hinges on not being funny, closer to being sad....

[Tom]

True humor is based on truth.

[Mike_Clown]

As a current engineering student, I must say ...

This thread is very funny.

[SAWBONES]

How do you identify an extroverted engineer?

He's the one who looks at YOUR shoes when he's talking to you.

[Tom]

As a current engineering student, I must say ...

This thread is very funny.

Uh oh, guys. We might have to start dumbing down our jokes more. ;)

And what's the deal? Does everyone out there have a book entitled 1001 Engineering Jokes that I don't know about?

[BGregory]

And what's the deal? Does everyone out there have a book entitled 1001 Engineering Jokes that I don't know about?Nope, just worked with them every business day for the past 15 years...

[BGregory]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[BGregory]

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block and they pull the rope. Nothing happens so he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention and he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is also set free.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

[Joni Lynn]

You guys are too much..........thanks for the smile I have right now!!!!!!!! :):)

[BGregory]

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[BGregory]

There are three engineers in a car - an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?"

[Joni Lynn]

Has anyone told any of you recently that you are SICK!!!! Funny, but sick.......I love it!!!!!!! rotflmaopmp!!!!

[John]

"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?"

No, you got it wrong, the Microsoft engineer was not speaking, because he was looking for the "Start" button to turn off the car.

[Tom]

Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?"

The Computer Geek's adage: When in doubt - REBOOT. :D

[BGregory]

The Computer Geek's adage: When in doubt - REBOOT. :DThe 3 finger salute (CTRL - ALT - Delete).

[BGregory]

Not an engineering joke, but it just seems funny...

http://tinypic.com/6hp6b5.jpg

[BGregory]

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their senior engineer-project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and she says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-male crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and he says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

[BGregory]

An Engineer, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist opines: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced."
The Engineer states: "If exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

[Hawkmoon]

It's been a long while since I heard this one, so if anyone remembers the correct version, please post it.

A helicopter pilot is flying over a city when unexpected cloud cover comes in and he's engulfed in dense fog. He can't see where he's going so he slows to a crawl and watches where he's going. After what seems like a long while he hits a thin patch and finds a tall building. He can see a man sitting in a corner office on the top floor, so he flies as close to the building as he can, hastily scrawls a note on a piece of cardboard, and holds it up for the man to see.

"Where am I?"

The man sees the note, nods, reaches under his desk for a large piece of paper, and writes a message in return.

"You are in a helicopter hovering off the northeast corner of my company headquarters."

The pilot flips his cardboard over, scrawls his cell phone number on it and holds it up again.

"Please call xxx-123-4567/"

Moments later the phone rings and the pilot answers.

"Hi, I'm the man in the office. What can I do for you?"

The pilot answers, "Tell me, you must be an engineer, right?"

The man answers back, "Well, yes, but how did you know?"

The pilot says, "Because I just asked you a question of extreme importance, and you gave me an answer that was complete, correct, logical, accurate ... and totally useless."

[Joni Lynn]

My best friend is an engineer, I couldn't agree more.

[BGregory]

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern
angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly
said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a
pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things
are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or
I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"